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Friday Night Bites

So, this post will be sort of a hit-and-run/drive-by, since I'm headed out of town in the morning and haven't packed a single thing...this seems to always be the case the night before I go out of town!

First, I would like to thank everyone who reached out after my last post.  I really appreciate the support and love.  After taking a moment to reevaluate, I am grateful for every experience because it has shaped the person that I will be.  My strength is made perfect in weakness.

Moving on :-)  I made some yummy turkey burgers tonight.  The burger itself is seasoned with minced ginger, garlic, onion, and carrots with a sprinkle of Bragg's and Worcheshire Sauce.  Because I used lean ground turkey, it was very wet so I used a handful of StoveTop... I hope the clean-eating police don't arrest me!  Grilled on the George Foreman and placed on half a Flat Out FoldIt with Greek yogurt.  I topped the burger with some spinach, feta, grape tomatoes and capers.  I am enjoying getting creative in the kitchen.

I had a fruit attack later that night so I pulled out a coconut I bought at the market a few days ago; I should have also bought a manual on how to open it!  After several minutes of trying using a knife and every other sharp object within reach to pierce the "eye", I finally settled on a corkscrew to get to the milk and a meat mallet to crack open the skin...don't judge me!  It was a lot of work, but it was worth the effort!  I had some mango, pineapple with chopped coconut...very hearty and filling...I felt like I was in the Caribbean!  Added a dash of rum into the coconut milk for a real island experience.  Sidenote...I would love tips for opening coconuts in the comments...please and thank you.

In other news...my charms FINALLY arrived (and I'm about halfway to another one!!!)...unfortunately, the bicycle was hooked on the flimsy handlebar, so I'll need to send it back and get a solid bike.

One more surprise simply because I love my readers so much...another round of Just Dance!  I bought Zumba 2 and Just Dance 3 tonight and had a blast learning the new moves (this recording was my 10th song of the night), but my favorite is always this song on Just Dance 2...

I Choose Life

Today was a particularly stressful day at work: though I only have four other co-workers (besides the owner), the women in this office thrive on gossip, hearsay and drama!  I try to live a very peaceful, stress-free life and look at things from a positive perspective most of the time; this office is the polar opposite.

Very long story short...H, the owner's personal-assistant and self-proclaimed office manager, met with some colleagues from our sister company last Friday.  I have never personally met these colleagues, but have worked with them at length and we share a mutual high-esteem for one another.  During their meeting, she spoke negatively about J (the receptionist), T (my supervisor, head of Compliance) and myself.  Among other things, we are supposedly difficult to work with, she used to be "our boss" but since we moved offices (in May) we no longer listen to her, I walk around like I run things...among others.  What she said is not why I'm upset.  In fact, I found it humorous because she was never in a position of management, but tried to use her seniority to give other people her work (even though no part of our job overlaps and the only people that I have ever reported to are T and the owner).  The part that upset me is that just a couple weeks ago, though H has always been grumpy and cantankerous, I flat-ironed H's hair and did her make-up for her staff photo.

Let me give you a bit of background here: months ago, I started working on the company brochure and requested that J, the receptionist, and H provide staff photos since they did not have one on file.  H showed obvious trepidation at having her image immortalized on an 11x14 sheet of stock paper.  H is short, chubby, she resembles the rocker Meatloaf with frizzy hair.  I work in financial services and we deal with very high net worth clients; professionalism is of utmost importance in my field, yet H often looks like she has rolled out of bed and grabbed the nearest pair of capris and Birkenstocks.  She looks like she does not care, but in observing her conversation, I realized that she feels ugly.  When the conversation of the brochure came up and she refused to have a photo included, I offered to do her hair and makeup if it would make her feel better.  She turned down the offer and we didn't speak about it again.  About two weeks, after months of her doing malicious things (going through my office while I'm away, telling lies about me and other displays of personal dissatisfaction) she approached me and said that she'd seen the draft of the brochure and didn't like that she was the only one without a picture so she wanted to get her picture taken after all.  She asked if I would do her hair and makeup and I agreed.  I was excited for the opportunity to have her look in the mirror at herself and say "Wow".  I was excited for the chance to show her that she could be beautiful if she put forth a little effort.  I was excited to see her walk with confidence.  The act was from the goodness of my heart, not with any expectations; however, perhaps a small part of me believed that it would be a peace offering to help promote a more cordial and professional work environment.

Fast-forwarding to last Friday's meeting.  J, the receptionist, overheard H speaking about the three of us and confronted H about it after the colleagues left.  Claws came out, curse words were thrown and something akin to an old Western showdown occurred.  H called J over the weekend to apologize: she said she didn't know why she said such bad things about us, that both T and myself had been so kind to her in the past, she was deeply regretful.  She begged J not to tell the owner and, moreover, not to tell T or me.  J, unmoved, told her that she had to own up to what she did.

I walked into the office Monday, completely oblivious to the tension that fouled the air.  J pulled me aside and filled me in on what happened Friday and over the weekend.  H was quiet all day.  The normally boisterously loud grouch had been silenced.  Needless to say things were very awkward.  She called out Tuesday (the same day that the owner, B and T went out of town, leaving only J and myself in the office).  Yesterday, H said not one word again all day.  Today, H had been quiet all day until I overheard her again talking negatively about J and me.  I am confused at how someone can wear two faces so easily...until now, I had only heard that H had an issue with me by hearsay.  H has always been reasonably pleasant with me and any animosity was not directly targeted at me.  I don't know where this is coming from, neither do I understand how she can have the audacity to do the things she does.

I understand that it's not personal and says nothing about me and everything about her: her feelings about me are only a mirror of what she thinks of herself.  Knowing this doesn't make it hurt any less that I too often extend myself to people who only trudge upon my pearls like swine.  I feel betrayed, though I never had an illusion of loyalty.  I feel disrespected, though I always gave her more respect than she earned.

Normally I would come home and pour a glass of wine, sulk in my feelings until the sweet rest of intoxication took over and sleep pulls me into her bosom.  I would eat as many sweet, salty, fatty, creamy, empty foods as it took to numb my emotions and then I would feel guilty about my binge and eat more.  This time, however, I refuse to allow negativity to derail me.  I am going to Zumba tonight and going to sweat out my worries, breathe out my anger and dance out my frustration.

I choose life!

Just Dance!!!

Today is a great Friday!!!  I planned to go to Zumba last night, but by the time I got home and got everything settled with my partner and puppies, I was late for class.  For a moment, the old mentality kicked in...I thought you can just work out tomorrow...you're really tired, you need a break...it's okay, you already have a calorie deficit today.  I was almost tempted to listen to the sweet nothings of complacency, but remembered that was the reason my hips are so wide!  I decided I would go for a long walk since I missed class.

I slowly walked upstairs to change into workout clothes, complacency's seduction threatening to overpower my will.  But then, I heard a song in my head.  As I changed, I started dancing until the tiredness subsided...and then I danced harder.  I put Just Dance 2 in my Wii and for 45 minutes, I danced, sweated, lost my breath...but I had fun!  Here's a little snippet:

Sorry it's grainy...camera phone video.

I am learning that my mind is a wickedly deceitful little thing with an aversion to change, but that my body knows what it wants.  My mind wants to make excuses for why I will never make my goal, my mind wants to wallow in sadness and self-defeat, my mind wants to do what's comfortable even if it kills...my body wants to be healthy, my body wants to be free, my body wants to get up and boogie!!!

The scale thanked me for my hard work today!  I FINALLY hit my 10-pound mark...and it feels sooooo good!  As I previously mentioned, I bought a charm bracelet as my motivator and will buy a new charm for every ten pounds lost.  Last week, I decided that for my first ten pounds, I deserved TWO charms...will be posting an update to show you my new goodies, as well as some stats (I forgot to take an official "before" picture and measurements...sorry).

Happy Anniversary: $20 Giftcard Giveaway

Today is the one-monthaversary of Curds 'n' Weigh!  I first want to thank everyone who reads my blog; thank you for your time, thank you for your support.

When I started the blog last month, I was worried about being so open and vulnerable--I wasn't quite so afraid to share with strangers, but the thought of being open about my weight problems with my friends was intimidating to say the least.  This process has shown me that I am surrounded by love!  For every insecurity that I share, I have at least one person who reaches out and shares their struggle with the same insecurity...for every fear, I receive support that lets me know that I can keep going!  I appreciate all of the comments, messages, phone calls.

To commemorate my monthaversary, I am doing a giveaway!  In an effort to continue building Curds 'n' Weigh, I would like to ask everyone to take a moment to recommend my page.  Whoever brings the most followers to Curds 'n' Weigh will win a $20 Visa Gift Card. 

Rules:
1.  YOU must first be a follower of Curds 'n' Weigh (using the link on the right panel of the page)
2.  The person you recommend must become a follower of Curds 'n' Weigh (using the link on the right panel of the page)
3.  The person must comment on this or any post saying that they were recommended by you.

Contest winner will be announced on Monday, July 16.

Thank you again for your support...

PS: Have you liked my Facebook page?  www.facebook.com/curdsnweigh
Are you following me on Twitter? www.twitter.com/curdsnweigh

Japanese Salmon Udon Soup

Total Calories 404; Fat 12.8g; Saturated Fat 2g; Cholesterol 75mg; Sodium 550mg; Total Carbohydrates 32.5g; Fiber 3.5g; Sugar 7.4g; Protein 38g; Vitamin A 141%; Vitamin C 36%; Calcium 20%; Iron 18%

Japanese Salmon Udon Soup
makes 4-5 servings


4 cups no salt added seafood stock
4 cups no salt added vegetable stock
3T miso paste
1 cup carrots, sliced
1 1/2 cup baby bok choy, chopped
1 cup green onion, chopped coarsely
1/2 cup dried shiitake mushrooms
1 pound fresh salmon filet, washed and cut into bite-size pieces
1/2 block firm tofu, drained and cubed
4 ounces udon noodles, prepared according to directions
1/2T fish sauce
2tsp Bragg's Liquid Aminos

Bring seafood and vegetable stocks to boil.  Mix 1/2 cup boiling stock with miso paste in separate container; stir until smooth.  Set miso mixture aside.

Add carrots; cook approximately 7 minutes until almost done.  Stir in bok choy; cook for 2 minutes.  Add miso/stock mixture.  Stir in green onions, mushrooms, Bragg's and fish sauce.  Gently add tofu cubes.  Place salmon on top of soup and use spoon to gently push salmon into soup.  Cook until salmon cooked all the way through.

In individual bowls, place 1 ounce udon noodles; cover with soup.  Garnish with green onions if desired.

Top 5 Reasons I HATE Being Fat

(Photo Copyright 2005 Mike Rozman/Warner Bros. Television)

This was a very busy weekend, filled with several reminders of why I absolutely abhor being tubby; unlike Tyra Banks, I can't simply take off the makeup and fat suit!  I am more motivated than ever to reach my goals--to be rid of this fat girl both physically and mentally--to fearlessly pursue my happiness. 

I'm sure my list of reasons I hate being fat could fill an encyclopedia...or at the least, could wrap around my waist twice!  For the sake of sanity, I'll just stick with the top five.

1.  I HATE shopping at fat girl stores.  I was invited to a party for my boss' husband this weekend, so I went shopping for a new outfit.  I walked into Lane Bryant and it looked like a box of crayons had exploded on the sales floor.  I am thoroughly convinced that the person who designs for plus-size stores is either color blind and/or has a secret mission to make all fat women look like a King-Size bag of Skittles!  On top of mostly everything being horribly ugly, the few cute pieces that I found were ridiculously priced!  Now, I'm not disillusioned...I realize that it takes a lot more fabric to fit over my derriere, but I could have sewn together four skinny dresses from Kohls and spent less than the cost of a shirt at Lane Bryant!  In some cultures and religions, being fat is a sign of prosperity...but just because I have extra love curves does not mean that my wallet weighs as much as I do!  When I'm thin, I'm going to buy $3 dresses even if they're not cute...just because I can!

2.  My butt eats bike seats.  I went bike shopping on Friday evening, which was incredibly fun!  I felt like a kid again riding through the parking lot at full speed...until I sat down and felt excruciating pain on my tail bone.  Bike seats were not made for big butts...I'm sure none of Sir Mix-A-Lot's girls rode them!  Thankfully, the bike I chose has a plush seat so it's a little more comfortable, but I will have to build up some serious booty muscles to help ease the pain (and associated numbness) that comes with riding with too much junk in the trunk!  I was supposed to wait a week to pick it up because I had some custom front brakes added, but I am so anxious to start riding, I called and told them I'd pick it up tonight and bring it back when the brakes come in.  I'll be sure to post a picture of it tonight.  When I'm thin, I'm sure my butt will still hurt on bike seats, but at least it will look cuter doing it.

3.  I'm sick and tired of my thighs rubbing together.  This probably needs to be the first item actually!  I hate buying new pants and within an hour of me walking in them, I have a lovely nest of lint balls between my legs from my thighs rubbing together.  I can't sneak up on anyone...you can hear me coming like crickets trapped in a paper bag.  I stopped wearing pantyhose a long time ago (and nylon pants) to avoid spontaneous combustion from the friction.  When I'm thin, each leg (and corresponding thigh) will stay on its own side of my body and the two shall only meet when I choose to introduce them!

4.  I don't like baby powder in the summer.  We fat girls sure go through a lot to maintain our sexy (though this post has definitely knocked mine down SEVERAL notches, I'm sure).  Some people look sexy and hard working when they sweat...not fat people.  We look like a slow-roasted pig on the rotisserie...greasy, crackling, burnt!  To calm our overactive sweat glands, chubby girls often use baby powder.  I absolutely hate baby powder, but my options are limited: either flour myself like southern fried chicken or be a hot, sweaty, chafing mess!  I choose the former.  There is a fine art to baby powdering a fat girl...you have to make sure to get every square inch that might possibly sweat...especially in between each fat roll, under the belly fat, in the small (or LARGE) of the back, under boobies.  I find nothing attractive about being a large, grown woman smelling like a freshly-changed baby!  When I'm thin, I will have sexy sweat.

5.  Being self-conscious about eating in front of strangers.  This may be owed in part to my poor relationship with food and history of eating disorders, but I find that eating in front of others is one of the most humiliating things ever (second only to dancing in a studio filled with skinny people and mirrors).  Most often, I leave the table still hungry after nibbling only a few bites and claiming that I'm stuffed.  I try to match bite speed so that I don't seem like I'm gobbling my food (though I find that many thin girls actually eat a LOT).  Of course they can't possibly believe that I really eat like a bird...maybe Big Bird!  When I'm thin, everyone will be in awe (instead of disgust) at how much I can eat.

What do YOU hate about being fat???

Fourth of July Recap

I had every intention of posting yesterday, but the hours got away from me and I got home very late.  Sorry...but I missed you all terribly!!!

I was really nervous about yesterday...I don't know any veterans personally, I'm not the most patriotic person in America...so my recollection of the holiday has always been a barbeque with a full spread of vittles and fixings combined with lots of alcohol.  My first thought was to just cook dinner at home so that I wasn't tempted by all of the available food that's normally at cookouts, but my partner wanted to visit a coworker.  I didn't want to be a party pooper so I agreed.

I started the morning off on a good foot with some freshly made juice and an omelet for breakfast. 

 

Orange, mango, carrot, kale, ginger, pineapple and blueberry.  Looked a little weird, but it was very tasty and SUPER nutritious.

 For the omelet I used one egg and two egg whites, kale, green onion, avacado and a mini  babybel light with some almond/coconut milk on the side.  Very hearty and filling.  I figured if I had a good healthy breakfast before going out that it would help me stay away making poor food choices.  I also packed 64 ounces of water and a Clif bar as a snack and brought a platter of fruit for everyone to share.

The dogs came with us...Onyx kept himself busy during the hour-long ride.

Once I got there, I realized how absolutely foolish I was to be so concerned with food.  I pictured a smörgåsbord with ribs and thighs, cakes and pies...they were serving hamburgers and bratwurst with potato salad.  The funny thing about food addiction is that even when I think I'm planning ahead to avoid diet pitfalls, sometimes it's really just a clever disguise for my psyche to obsess about food.  Sometimes I miss out on great opportunities to socialize and spend time with loved ones because I'm preoccupied with pondering about food.  I ate about a quarter of a burger and half a plateful of fruit and abstained from drinking.  Had I just set that as my plan in my mind...no matter WHAT is being served, I will stay on target by eating in moderation and making the most healthy choice...I would have saved some needless stress.  Instead, I conjured up visions of never-ending foodage and panicked like a recovering addict locked in a crack house.

We had a wonderful visit...the puppies ran around like crazy frolicking with the other dogs who were there...they played in the creek (which surprised me...didn't know they liked water!) and chased cats (which they have never seen up close)...we went for an easy hike and talked and laughed.  Food was more the after-thought than the focus...perhaps I've had it all wrong about the 4th of July!  Perhaps holidays can exist where bonding and buddies take precedence over binging and belly aches.

Seafood Linguine with Spinach and Grape Tomatoes

Seafood Linguine with Spinach and Grape Tomatoes
(Serves 2)

6 large tiger prawns
6 large scallops
6 medium mussels
4oz unsalted seafood stock
2oz clam juice
1 cup grape tomatoes, chopped
1 cup spinach, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 medium onion
1tsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1/2 cup fresh basil, chopped
1 cup whole grain linguine

In medium saucepan, heat olive oil over medium-high heat.  Add garlic and onion, stirring until fragrant.  Add 3/4 tomatoes and all spinach.  Cover and allow to sweat until spinach wilts.  Add stock and clam juice and bring to light boil.  Add remaining tomatoes and all seafood.  Cover and allow to steam until mussels open and prawns are bright orange/pink (scallops should be done by this time).  If mussels finish first, remove immediately upon opening.  Remove from heat and stir in basil.  Serve over cooked linguine.  Recipe above for two; may increase for additional servings.

Nutrition Facts: Total Calories 319; Total Fat 4.6g; Saturated Fat 0.6g; Cholesterol 28mg; Sodium 235mg; Total Carbohydrates 34.2g; Fiber 5.6g (22%); Sugar 4.5g; Protein 34.9g; Vitamin A 55%; Vitamin C 55%; Calcium 9%; Iron 24%

Disappearing Acts

(All photo rights © 2009 Steve Topper Photography http://stevetopper.com/)

The funny thing about exercise is that somewhere in the midst of gasping for air and sweating like a roasting pig, there is a deep solitude and stillness that allows me to hear my inner voice's whispered screams.  I took the puppies on a two mile hike through the woods after dinner last night.  The solitude of nature, the sweet melody of sparrows serenading, the wind caressing leaves high above my head...all contributed to a resonant tranquility and forced my conscious mind to rest from her endless worries. 

I reflected on the path that I've started towards a healthier life, pondered my destiny as a motivational speaker and writer...eventually my thoughts rested on what brought me to this point.  While obesity is a major epidemic in the developed world, "normal fat" is gaining more acceptance, while "super fat" people are forced into the shadows.  What triggered my progression from "normal fat" to "super-sized"?

To be perfectly fair, I was always destined to carry a bit more weight than my peers...from a family of large people steeped in southern tradition, there was little that I could have done to prevent wide hips and thick thighs.  There were, however, several more profound events that I can pinpoint, which led to my chronic depression and, in turn, my weight issues.  In many ways, being fat was a way for me to disappear.  Thin people are considered gorgeous, sought after, wanted; while their larger counterparts are often discarded, written off and devalued.  My whole life I felt discarded, written off, devalued...me gaining weight was simply a reflection of my inner struggle with Self.

I previously alluded to the fact that I was discarded at birth.  I was the child of two too-young-for-parenthood teenagers: a 14-year-old father whose deeply religious parents shunned my mother and declared emphatically that I couldn't be their son's child...a mother who battled her own depression and often-harsh upbringing.  I have heard several variations of the story, but this I know to be true: in the mid-morning hours on March 30, 1984 my then 16-year-old mother delivered me...alone in her father's house.  I can only imagine the panic and fear that overwhelmed her!  Unsure of what to do, she placed me in a duffel bag and brought me to the bayou where she placed me in a hole.  I was in the hole for little more than a week before I was found by two best friends who happened to be crawfishing.  As the story was plastered across every newspaper and television in Louisiana, my mother became very ill because, due to her inexperience with childbirth, she failed to deliver the after-birth.  It wasn't hard to figure out I was the missing baby she claimed to have never had.  Somehow I was placed back with her--either because the Divine has a wonderful sense of humor, or because there was a greater plan for my life and this was simply the road I needed to travel. 

I've heard that my mom loved me very much when I was a baby.  I remember hearing her tell me those words on occasion, but honestly...I never felt loved or wanted.  I was a very smart child and excelled at most things I tried, so I never felt lacking for praise and recognition, though when I wasn't "perfect" there was never a shortage of insults and criticisms either.  It was the affectionate, quality-time, "I am happy you're in my life" love that was missing; perhaps she never received it to give. 

By the time my mother was 20 and I was 4 1/2 years old, she had four children.  As is often the case with young mothers, she worked more than she was home so by six years old, I became the default baby sitter.  When she was home, we were reminded how hard we made her life...how much of a burden we were to her...her frustrations manifested as welts and bruises on delicate skin.

Beginning at six years old and lasting nearly a year, I was molested by a middle schooler in my apartment complex; one instance, she decided to include her uncle.  For years, I harbored guilt and resentment.  I thought she was my friend...why didn't I tell anyone...why didn't I make her stop???  Home alone with no supervision, food became a solace for me at a young age.  The feeling of being stuffed seemed to momentarily fill the void left by the gaping hole in my soul.

I started injuring myself at ten years old...the first time, literally attempting to erase myself (which of course only led to eraser burn).  I wore the facade of a 4.0 student, young violinist, talented writer...only to mask the reality that I was a lonely, unloved and discarded child.  "Erasing" led to trying to cut pieces of myself away with scissors, which led to burning myself with matches and eventually cutting with razor blades.  I tried to make myself vanish by any means necessary.

My younger brother was my best friend and he was heart broken to discover that I had been hurting myself.  I was always his protector...his confidante...until I couldn't be anymore.  He always got the worst end of my mother's wrath, so she felt it necessary for him to move across the country to live with his father, whom he had never met.  Overnight, I went from having a brother to only speaking with him on his birthday.  There were no pictures of him in our home...it was as if he only existed when he visited every few years.  My heart shattered the day my brother left!  (Thankfully, we are both adults now and have reconnected.  We speak several times a week, which makes my heart smile!)

In middle school, I began to suffer from an eating disorder.  The food that was such a wonderful comfort for me, became the target of my self-hatred.  I starved myself all day, claiming that I wasn't hungry when in truth I just didn't want others to see me eating.  Nobody could know the great joy that eating gave me...a joy that nothing else had ever rivaled.  After school, I would go home and gorge myself on whatever was in reach (which was always a secret because we weren't allowed to eat anything without asking first)...I can remember secretly baking cakes and sharing it with my sisters before my mom came home...trips to the convenience store for chips and candy to be devoured without any evidence.  I would force myself to throw up all of the food and then say I wasn't hungry for dinner.  Eventually my mother and grandmother noticed that I rarely ate--their solution was to force me to sit and eat in front of them (which I would only throw up as soon as they left the room).  This went on through high school and stopped around the time I discovered razor blades.

From high school to college, I tried to commit suicide three times (my mother's response is that I should ask her how next time so I could do it right and stop putting her and my sisters through hell).  My last attempt was in my dorm room with a pint of tangueray and a dixie cup of sleeping pills...I didn't tell any of my family or friends about this.  Three days and a deep spiritual awakening later, I woke up and knew that something in my life had to change immediately!  From that moment forward, I have pursued a life of gratitude and purpose...trying even on my darkest days to find something worth living for.  I no longer cut or force myself to throw up, though many of the same, unresolved issues bubble beneath my surface.  This weight loss journey is forcing many of these problems up like an emetic on a full stomach. 

There, in the still quietness of the woods...the solitude of nature, the sweet melody of sparrows serenading, the wind caressing leaves high above my head...I pushed past the discomfort of aching muscles towards a future of endless possibilities.  A future with no limitations on my potential.  A future where I really love all of me...a future where instead of disappearing, I can actually SEE myself!

Everything I need to know about weight loss...I learned from my puppies!

If you know anything about me, you know that I am IN LOVE with my puppies!!!  On a bad day, they are the right blend of calm and hilarity to bring me out of my funkiest mood...on a lazy day, their non-stop energy is infectious and forces me out of a sedentary couch potato position and engages me in a game of fetch, chase or "Keep the Sock Away from Mommy!" 

On our morning stroll yesterday, I realized that these two little buggers have the perfect formula for weight loss...

1.  Only eat what tastes great...everything else--examine it and leave it for brother to find later.

2.  Eat at set times in the day...because if I don't, brother will come and finish my food before I can get to it!

3.  Any waking moment is an opportunity for play...whether it's steal mommy's socks in the morning or hide under the bed until she stops looking for me!  Chasing brother is especially fun!!! 

4.  Drink lots and lots and lots of water...the big bowls that I can fit my head into are the best!  But don't put your paws in the water and splash...mommy will get mad!

5.  Play hard, but rest harder...don't fight sleep when the urge hits!

6.  If I do special tricks, it's okay to have a treat...if I jump really really high, I can even get a liver bite!

7.  If I eat too much, I'll have to play even harder...I can just run around the house like a maniac to burn off any excess calories before bed.

8.  On walks, keep up with the leader and pull the slow poke...even if the slow-poke is mommy--walk faster so she'll have to keep up!

9.  Candy and junk food gives me a tummy ache...so don't steal it from the pantry.  Even if it looks really good, I will only regret it later!

10.  When all else fails, accept my extra chubbiness...I'm still cute!

Pan-Seared Salmon with Mango Kiwi Salsa

Pan-seared Atlantic salmon with mango kiwi salsa on a bed of field greens.  

Salsa:
1 VERY ripe mango
2 kiwis
1/4 cup cilantro
1/8 medium red onion
Fresh lemon juice to taste

Dice mango and kiwi.  Chop cilantro and red onion in food processor for 3 seconds.  Squeeze half lemon (to taste) over mixture.  Mix well; cover in fridge to allow flavors to blend.

Salmon:
1/4 cup Bragg's Liquid Aminos (or soy sauce)
1/4 cup brown sugar
Juice of 1 lemon
4 5oz Atlantic Salmon Filets
1T Olive Oil

Mix Bragg's, brown sugar and lemon juice.  Marinate salmon in mixture for 15-30 minutes.  Discard excess marinade.

In heavy skillet, heat olive oil over medium to medium-high heat.  Cook salmon filet on one side until well seared (about 1 minute).  Drain excess olive oil and flip salmon.  Lower heat to medium-low and cook for an additional 5 minutes (check for doneness).  Serve over mixed greens.  Top with salsa.

Total Calories 450, Fat 23g, Saturated Fat 5.4g, Cholesterol 70mg, Sodium 153mg, Fiber 4.6g, Sugar 8.8g, Protein 38g, Vitamin A 3,722IU (74%), Vitamin C 50mg (67%), Calcium 85mg (9%), Iron 2mg (11%), Potassium 1,129mg (24%)

Calorie Inequality



(Photo credit: http://www.thelazycaveman.com/)

I've been struggling the past few days trying to find a balance between meeting my daily calories while not going over on "bad" nutrients (fat, sodium, cholesterol) and getting enough "good" nutrients (vitamins, minerals, etc).  I'm generally able to stay well within my calorie allowance for the day, but either don't get enough of something or too much of something else...I feel like a tightrope artist practicing funambulism!

One important thing that I'm learning is how to select low-calorie, nutritionally dense foods so that I'm able to eat a large enough portion to feel satisfied.  I have a tendency to over restrict and then feel famished, which ruins the following day because I'm so hungry that I'm focusing on meeting calories and not getting enough nutrients.  Not all calories are created equally...while I could probably lose weight by consuming 1200 calories a day of junk food, I'd be starving...not to mention my health and energy levels would tank!  Conversely, I could gorge myself on 2000 calories of lettuce and, though full, would still have problems with my energy.  Balance.

Besides trying to find balance, I'm noticing that I feel great!  Less pain in my joints, much more energy...bouncing around the house and running up the stairs.  The scale, however, is an evil little mechanism...haven't lost any more weight, but I can feel the physical changes in my body.  I'm considering putting the scale away and only weighing on Saturday mornings to help with my preoccupation with the numbers.  That means still no first charm, but at least I'll be able to keep my sanity!

Fat Yoga


I had a great mid-day walk with Anna from Fat Yoga.  We talked about everything from self-esteem/body image issues, size-positive groups available in Portland, aloe vera juice...and of course yoga!  Anna started Fat Yoga after studying for some years and experiencing the discrimination towards "cushy" and otherwise less-abled people.  After searching unsuccessfully for a place that was accepting of her size and willing to teach modifications, she decided to study to become an instructor herself.  A bit eccentric and quite opinionated, Anna passionately detailed her story of how she came to start her business.  There was an instant openness and comfort that I don't often find.

As we started off on our walk, she turned to me and said "I don't think you see yourself the way that others do.  There's no way you have 200 pounds to lose!"  I chuckled a bit as I've heard this so many times since I began telling people my goal--you don't even look that big...you're so pretty and at least you're proportionate...maybe you should just work on losing your stomach, but the rest of you is fine.  I don't know if it's because I'm so tall that people don't realize how large I am, but I am in no way content with myself at this size even if I am proportionately pudgy!  I explained to her that it was about me feeling good about myself, not because of society.  While the weight loss is completely incidental (I'm more focused on being able to reach my fitness goals...complete a cycling race, learn contemporary dance and a partner actually be able to lift me!), losing weight is a vital part in me being able to be the person that I want to be.  She did, however, bring up a great point about being able to completely love and embrace myself at any size.

She told me about a movement called "Health At Every Size" (H.A.E.S.), which encourages people to stop dieting and focus on making good food and fitness choices....for health, not for weight loss.  While this has been my approach, I must admit that I do obsess over the numbers more than my actual health.  In reality, I'm in excellent health...no high blood pressure, diabetes, thyroid or other issues commonly associated with people my size...no mobility or other issues...I'm just FAT!  H.A.E.S. emphasizes that losing weight does not increase a person's value...you are just as beautiful before or after the weight loss.  It also teaches the detriment of dieting (and yoyo weight loss/gain) and focuses on a lifestyle of healthy habits. 

I had to chuckle when we started talking about the many things that big people do to make thinner people more comfortable...I can name a million things that I do: walking more lightly, talking more softly, moving completely out of the way, making myself "smaller" so as not to impose on others...maybe I do see myself as much larger than I really am.  I can remember once being on the elevator with two other ladies and I accidentally backed against the fire alarm; I was mortified thinking that I brought the elevator over the weight limit (which was 3500!)...I guess my preoccupation with my weight and how big I am made me think that everyone else thinks the same thing when they see me.  Maybe this is why I'm always the "jolly" fat girl...you can't be mean or hurtful to someone who's like Santa Clause right?

Overall, the walk was a very nice break and it was wonderful meeting Anna.  I look forward to trying one of her classes. 

Failure to Launch

Feeling a bit blue today.  Losing weight is 99% mental; an introvert by nature, I find that I am lost in thought far more since I started this path than I ever have been.  Pondering how I got here, the long road I have to travel to be healthy...My weight has always held me back from being the person I want to be: I LOVE dance, but have always been too fat to make my movements look like more than a gyrating bowl of jello...I am very outgoing, but often appear to be a flake because I'm worried about what others will think so I sometimes cancel at the last minute out of embarassment and fear (I especially hate seeing people who I knew years ago for fear that they'll say....DAMN look how big she got!).

I feel alone, depressed, vulnerable...suffocating inside this shell that looks nothing like the person I am inside!  This should be enough motivation to have me running four hours a day, but the harder I work, the more I look ahead at the LONG path I have ahead.  200 pounds feels like it will take a lifetime to lose, but I know that if I don't start now I will never get there.  There are so many insecurities that I keep inside and I feel like this process is bringing them all to the forefront (probably for the best so that I won't be in a thin body with a fat girl's mentality)...I suppose instead of focusing on the negative, I should ponder and attract to myself the positive. 

My life will be completely changed when I lose weight:

1.  I'll be able to fit in stadium seats without feeling stuffed in!
2.  I'll be able to fit into plane seats without the armrest pinching into my thighs (or needing a seatbelt extender)
3.  I won't be afraid to go anywhere or do anything
4.  I'll be able to buy what I like because it's cute, not because it fits!!!
5.  I'll be able to dance freely without being self-conscious about what I look like to others.  (I will also be taking dance lessons to learn contemporary dance once I lose weight)
6.  I will be much more active...I want to compete in a cycling race and join a softball team.
7.  I'll be more self confident and not just pretending to be confident for the benefit of others
8.  Hopefully I won't shed as many tears or feel so alone...unless you've been this size, it's hard to understand even a fraction of the daily struggle.  Once I lose weight, it will be my mission to show others that they, too, can be free!
9.  I will be able to have children...actually, this should be the first item on the list!  I have always wanted to be a mother, but refused to have a child at this size...not only is it probably impossible...it's extremely dangerous for both mother and baby...I need to lose weight so that I can be the wonderful mother that I know I will be.
10.  "I wish I could" will be removed from my vocabulary!!!  Once I lose weight, there is nothing that will be able to hold me back from living the life that I want to live.

My thirties MUST be better than my childhood and my twenties...my weight has been the reason why I can't do things my entire life...I REFUSE to be that person for another decade in my life!

Stop the pity party!

Yesterday I cried. Not the gut-wrenching, soul-bearing cry that cleanses and leaves you feeling revived; I cried the covert, escaping tears of too-full pots bubbling on too-hot burners...the kind that sneak out before you can secure the top.


Naked, sucking in my stomach to trick the scale into believing I did a moment of exercise yesterday only to see two days' worth of hard work flushed with middle of the night binges. This daily shame a reminder of what I've become: unmotivated, uncaring, unchanged.

So I cried. I cried because I'm forced to see what's always been there, but I didn't want to deal with. I cried because the scale forces to me to see the correlation between my actions and the results. I cried because every time I get dressed it slaps me in the face that no clothes can hide this monster I've become.

Today I decided. Not with the sure-footed, inerrant tread of hinds feet on high places; I decided with the trepidation of a woman who can't bear to fall...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Naked, not bothering to hide my stomach I open one clenched eye to see the result of not caring yesterday. 6 days of hard work completely undone by a two-day pity party, quieting tears with sugar. I got back in the bed wanting to sleep the day away, continue my blow-out gala.

But instead, I decided. I decided to write how I was feeling in my journal. I decided to eat breakfast (though my normal response would be to starve myself all day and then binge in an emotional outpouring). I decided to take my vitamins. I decided to clean the house. Somewhere in all of this deciding, I decided I'm worth fighting for. I'm worth LIVING for!

This is unlike any other attempt at losing weight. I'm actually looking at myself, not just what the scales reflect, but my actions (and my body's reactions), my feelings, my motives. I don't know what's ahead, but I'm choosing to deal with it...one decision at a time.

My Body

Nobody ever cared for my body.

My mother didn't know what to do when a baby body was budding in her belly.  She told nobody that she birthed a body.  She put my body in a duffel bag by the bayou.  A week later somebody found my baby body by the bayou and by the blueprint of a big God, I was brought back to the somebody who discarded my body.  I was named Blessed Love, but nobody ever made me feel blessed or loved.

My mother beat my body: when I was bad, when she was mad.  In kindergarten, the nurse saw my bruised body and asked what happened.  I said I was bad and she promised not to tell anybody.  She promised if I let her take pictures of my bruised body, she would make it not hurt anymore...she would save my body!  She sent somebody to my house and they showed my mother pictures of her baby's bruised back and she became belligerent and they never came back.  She beat my body after school and I learned never to tell anybody again.

Somebody touched me and said don't tell anybody.  I thought I finally found somebody who was my friend, but instead just wanted to use my body.  Every day my body was taught things a six year old should not learn, but I didn't tell anybody. 

At ten, I started to hate my body.  I tried to erase my body.  I cut my body to get out all of the secrets I couldn't tell anybody.  I starved my body to be beautiful and scarred it because it wasn't.  I didn't tell anybody.

Years passed with me abhorring my body, allowing any and everybody who wanted my body as long as they promised to love my body.  Nobody ever did.  I just wanted somebody, anybody!!!

I started using my body as a shield, that way nobody could hurt me again.  My body got bigger but I didn't care because nobody wanted it anyway.  I abused my body with butter and bacon and before I could blink I was big as a blimp.  So I hid my body and didn't talk to anybody.

I'm tired of dragging around this body.  I'm changing my body to prove everybody wrong.  I am somebody worth living for.  Instead of searching for somebody, I have to love my own body.  I'm learning to care for my own body.  I can't wait to see my body in a few months...years.  I probably won't even recognize my body, perhaps I'll be an inspiration to somebody.  And then I'll tell EVERYBODY!

Easy does it

One of my main problems with weight loss is often my black/white thinking: if I can't do it perfectly, why even try?  This is either good or bad.  Because I can't exercise full force, I won't do anything at all.  My perfectionist mindset has always been my greatest hindrance...I put far more pressure on myself than anyone else does.  I'm working on allowing myself room for error; I am human, after all.  This time, I vow that nothing will stop me.  Just because I fall does not mean that I failed...simply that I must get back up.  If I fall, I learn to stand on steadier feet.  To counter this tendency, I have set up a reward system for myself.  I bought myself a charm bracelet and will buy one new charm for every 10 pounds lost.  I'll post a picture tomorrow of the bracelet with the first charm as I should be hitting my first 10 pounds (8 down as of this morning...8 pounds in 6 days...WOW!!!).

I slept in today and started eating late so my calories were very low (slightly more than 1400 calories for the whole day).  Though I'm full and ate nutritiously, I'm feeling a bit light-headed and have a headache.  Had an energy bar and almond milk with protein powder for breakfast, a Clif bar as an afternoon snack and cooked fajitas and fat free refried beans for dinner.  I need to do much better with eating more calories earlier in the day because almost half of the day's calories (630 calories) came from dinner.  Made some home-made guacamole and used Greek yogurt instead of sour cream...absolutely AMAZING!!!

Normally when I have fajitas, I can probably devour at least four before I'm overstuffed and uncomfortable (not including the chips and salsa/bean dip that they serve at Mexican restaurants).  As I was eating, before I was even halfway done, I wanted to get more because I had only used half of the fajita mix I made. But I forced myself to slow down, TASTE my food, drink water...by the time I finished my plate I was stuffed.  It's unbelievable how many calories I would normally consume without thinking twice.  I am working with being present and enjoying my food...slowing down to savor the taste, texture, consistency.

Still doing well with drinking water...averaging about 10-12 glasses a day (though I'm going to the bathroom nearly as often lol).  Speaking of water...I have a colonic hydrotherapy appointment tomorrow.  I'm so nervous, but I hear that there are tremendous physical, mental and spiritual benefits so I'm excited for the results.

The Skinny Girl I Ate

There's a thin, healthy girl inside of me yearning to be free!


I see her every time I stare at my belly flab and wonder which roll will disappear first. Her bra straps don't hide between her underarm fat and her skinny jeans look like jeans instead of body paint. Her thighs don't rub together and she has a pouch for a stomach instead of a GUT. She doesn't hide behind other people in pictures or pose sideways to hide her wideness. She isn't concerned every moment with how she looks to others.

She is free to do whatever she wants without worrying if she'll break something...she even likes the little plastic chairs. She hikes, jogs, goes white water rafting, plays on a softball team and still has enough energy to be a vixen in the bedroom. In fact, she has quite a few sexy clothes that I would never think of wearing.

She respects herself and demands that everyone else do the same. While she cares for her family, she makes sure that her needs are met first so that she can be the best for them.

The skinny girl inside me has taught me that I have to love myself if I ever want to meet her. She said that if I believe in myself and accept who I am today, slowly but surely she will appear to me.

With every drink of water, every healthy food choice, every decision to work out...I am one step closer to meeting her and boy are we going to have fun!!!

Introductions

"Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey...along came a spider who sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away!" Certainly, if this limerick were referring to me, it would say that though I was frightened, I waited until I finished eating to run (well, wobble) away!

Hello, my name is Blessed Love and I am obese! While there are many euphamisms that I use to try to make myself feel better (plump, pudgy, big-boned, fatabulous, Pretty Hot And Tempting, easy to see)...I can't escape the fact that at 28 years old, I am one of the nearly 90 million Americans who falls into the category of Obese. More accurately, my weight would classify me as MORBIDLY OBESE. Breaking the scale at over 370 pounds, I am much closer to death than I am to life...or at least what I consider really living.

This blog will chronicle my journey to find my healthy self...the version of me who doesn't need to turn sideways to enter a turnstyle and whose bra doesn't roll up like a cannoli between my fat rolls. My ultimate weight goal is 170 pounds, a 200 pound loss from my current size.  In other words, I plan to lose a pregnant woman or 14 bowling balls or 8 baby llamas...or $9,080,000 in $100 dollar bills!!!

Combining brutally honest accounts of my life-long struggle with my weight, along with tips that I've learned along the way, I hope that this journal is an inspiration for anyone who has dealt with the same issues.  I will share recipes, pictures, triumphs and shortcomings.

Welcome to Curds 'n' Weigh!

Until next time...
Blessed Love