My Body

Nobody ever cared for my body.

My mother didn't know what to do when a baby body was budding in her belly.  She told nobody that she birthed a body.  She put my body in a duffel bag by the bayou.  A week later somebody found my baby body by the bayou and by the blueprint of a big God, I was brought back to the somebody who discarded my body.  I was named Blessed Love, but nobody ever made me feel blessed or loved.

My mother beat my body: when I was bad, when she was mad.  In kindergarten, the nurse saw my bruised body and asked what happened.  I said I was bad and she promised not to tell anybody.  She promised if I let her take pictures of my bruised body, she would make it not hurt anymore...she would save my body!  She sent somebody to my house and they showed my mother pictures of her baby's bruised back and she became belligerent and they never came back.  She beat my body after school and I learned never to tell anybody again.

Somebody touched me and said don't tell anybody.  I thought I finally found somebody who was my friend, but instead just wanted to use my body.  Every day my body was taught things a six year old should not learn, but I didn't tell anybody. 

At ten, I started to hate my body.  I tried to erase my body.  I cut my body to get out all of the secrets I couldn't tell anybody.  I starved my body to be beautiful and scarred it because it wasn't.  I didn't tell anybody.

Years passed with me abhorring my body, allowing any and everybody who wanted my body as long as they promised to love my body.  Nobody ever did.  I just wanted somebody, anybody!!!

I started using my body as a shield, that way nobody could hurt me again.  My body got bigger but I didn't care because nobody wanted it anyway.  I abused my body with butter and bacon and before I could blink I was big as a blimp.  So I hid my body and didn't talk to anybody.

I'm tired of dragging around this body.  I'm changing my body to prove everybody wrong.  I am somebody worth living for.  Instead of searching for somebody, I have to love my own body.  I'm learning to care for my own body.  I can't wait to see my body in a few months...years.  I probably won't even recognize my body, perhaps I'll be an inspiration to somebody.  And then I'll tell EVERYBODY!

Tongue Tied

I was speaking with a close friend today about my blog and she said something that resonated deeply with me: "I let my little tongue control my whole body".

How often has my tongue gotten me into trouble:  devouring the sweet decadence of a rich, fattening slice of cheesecake leaving my stomach bloated and my mind guilt-ridden...tongue craving an extra-meat/extra-cheese pizza because it "tastes better that way" leading my waistline to expand and my stomach to stick out further than my butt.

I'm learning that instead of giving my tongue full control, my body needs to be in agreement with all decisions...what's good for my mouth must be good for my thighs, stomach, brain!  My tongue doesn't know what's best for me...I've gotten into trouble far too often for words spoken by my tongue.

So why is it that I've allowed such a small part of my body to control me for so long?  It seems like I have more weight to lose in my thought process than I do on my body...

Perfectly Flawed

I was always the shining star in my family, though secretly my shine had tarnished years ago. I was the first grandchild, the daughter of a too-young mother and absent father. I was discarded at birth (something that one day I'll talk about) and through God's sense of hilarity, ended up back with my mother.

I guess the expectations of me started early with my family's elation that the baby on the news was their kin; everything I did was golden. When my brother and sisters came along I became the protector and role-model, but inside secret sadness destroyed me. I had 4.0 throughout school, I played the violin for years, I spoke French, I was the editor-in-chief of my church's newsletter at 13, I started interning with Bank of America at 15, I played the violin, I went to Howard University on scholarship. I was always the smartest, the sweetest, friendliest...nobody could tell that I was the loneliest.

I started injuring myself at ten years old, a vice that consumed me for the better part of twelve years. In middle school, I developed body image issues and starting binging and purging. I'd go all day without eating, secretly not wanting to eat in front of other people. When I was all alone, I'd eat anything I could find. And then I felt guilty. I threw up trying to rid myself of the shame. This became a ritual and I started losing weight. It felt good to hear my mom compliment me, for ANYTHING let alone for how I looked, but she didn't know what I was doing.

Even though I've for years been "clean" from purging and self-injury, I guess my thought process has not changed. I notice that I'm still timid about eating in front of other people...going all day without eating and then overeating because I'm starving.

This process is helping me. For the first time I'm actually eating during the day (and I notice that if I eat when I'm hungry, not starving, I actually get full very quickly) and taking the emotion out of food. Eating because I need fuel instead of comfort.

I'm looking forward to my future! Looking forward to doing things for myself. Learning how to love myself. Learning that I'm not striving for perfection, but progress.

Until next time,

Blessed Love

12-Step

(Photo Copyright 2012 Sardonic Salad)

My name is Blessed Love and I'm a foodaholic.


Well, not really...I mean, I wouldn't steal my mom's television for a cheeseburger, but you get the point. I realize that food has always been the safety valve for my emotions...happy, have a slice of cake...sad, eat a bag of chips...bored, stuff your face with pizza!  I'll be seeing a counselor soon as an added component to my weight loss journey and while she might be able to help stop the compulsion that comes along with eating, I don't know that I'll ever stop LOVING eating.

So, how can a food addict like myself lose weight?  From previous attempts (twice losing over 40 pounds...and gaining it back as soon as I quit my program), I've learned that instead of trying to change me to fit a "diet", I need to change my diet to fit me.  Along the way, I've learned a few tips that help me lose weight without feeling deprived.  I've always heard, if you want to lose weight...ask a fat person! 

1.  Understand that this is a lifestyle change and not a diet:  The first step for a foodaholic to lose weight...know that this is not a temporary fix.  It took a lifetime to get to my size, so it will take a lifetime to reach and maintain my healthy weight.  It's not just about the numbers on the scale, but about nourishing my body with good foods that will help my body thrive.  Every day is a chance to do something positive for myself...even if I stumble, because this is a life change, there's no guilt for breaking my "diet".  I simply need to get back on the horse and keep riding.

2.  Eat 5-6 small meals instead of fewer large meals:  While eating more frequently will not guarantee weight loss alone, it does stop the mind tricks that come along with deciding to eat healthy.  One of my main problems was skipping breakfast, ignoring hunger pangs and going all day without eating and then binging on the first thing in sight because I was starving (obviously I was not cut out to be an anorexic).  This lead to overconsumption, in addition to poor food choices.  When I'm starving, my rational brain goes on vacation and is replaced by a monster like Audrey Jr. in Little Shop of Horrors...FEED ME Seymour!!!  Because I know this about myself, I have tried to set myself up for success this time.  I eat breakfast at 6:30am and eat small meals about every 3 hours thereafter (of course, being mindful of total calories).  This helps because I never get to the point of desperation for food; also, because I'm eating so often, a meal may sometimes be as small as an apple with a handful of almonds because it takes less to fill me up when I'm eating throughout the day.  After just one day of eating this way, I automatically get hungry after about 3 1/2 hours whereas before, I could go all day without eating.

3.  Trade out empty calories for less calorie-dense food:  Eating smaller, more frequent meals is not enough to lose weight; the key is selecting good food choices for those meals.  While a slice of pizza and a salad may both contain the same 500 calories, the salad has much more bulk and nutrients and will keep you fuller much longer.  Speaking of nutrients, it's amazing how many obese people are actually malnourished.  To be successful, it's important to choose nutrional options with more bulk: whole grains, fruit, vegetables.  These items also have less fat, which in turns lowers their calories since each gram of fat contains 9 calories!  It's important to note, however, that not all fat is bad and fat is a necessary component to our health.  Of course, fat from vegetable sources is much healthier than fat from animals.

4.  Be sure to include complex carbohydrates and protein with each meal:  Fiber-packed foods and protein help you feel satisfied and stay full longer.  Complex carbohydrates such as whole grains and apples (with skin), oranges, beans, etc. take longer to break down in the body, giving you sustained energy for a longer period of time, whereas simple carbs (white rice, white bread, sugar) give you short bursts of energy but leave you feeling lethargic.  Protein boosts your metabolism and helps you keep lean muscle (since you lose fat AND muscle when you lose weight).

5.  DRINK WATER:  Do you want to know the real secret to weight loss?  Increase your water intake!  Water is a magical liquid with a multitude of health benefits.  Not only does water help flush out toxins from our bodies allowing our organs to work more efficiently, water also aids digestion and helps keep your joints lubricated--when you're super obese like I am, you need something close to WD40 to keep the creaking joints at bay!  It has been suggested that we should drink up to half our body weight in water daily.  At my starting weight of 372, that would be 186 POUNDS of water...unless I'm putting a straw in the ocean, that's a bit unrealistic; however, I do try to consume at least 12 glasses (96 ounces) of water daily.  Thankfully, food consumed also counts towards the water intake, especially fruit and vegetables which are a staple in my eating plan.

A typical day of eating for me might look something like this:

6:30am  Breakfast: whole grain seed and fruit bar, 1 cup of almond milk, 1 scoop protein powder, 1 cup grapes

9:30am  Snack: 21-seed toast with 1 tablespoon peanut butter

12:30pm  Lunch:  Grilled chicken salad with a pear or apple on the side, handful of almonds

3:30pm  Snack:  Mango, 1/2 cup yogurt

6:30pm  Dinner:  Baked tilapia, 2 cups mixed vegetables, baked sweet potato

Introductions

"Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey...along came a spider who sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away!" Certainly, if this limerick were referring to me, it would say that though I was frightened, I waited until I finished eating to run (well, wobble) away!

Hello, my name is Blessed Love and I am obese! While there are many euphamisms that I use to try to make myself feel better (plump, pudgy, big-boned, fatabulous, Pretty Hot And Tempting, easy to see)...I can't escape the fact that at 28 years old, I am one of the nearly 90 million Americans who falls into the category of Obese. More accurately, my weight would classify me as MORBIDLY OBESE. Breaking the scale at over 370 pounds, I am much closer to death than I am to life...or at least what I consider really living.

This blog will chronicle my journey to find my healthy self...the version of me who doesn't need to turn sideways to enter a turnstyle and whose bra doesn't roll up like a cannoli between my fat rolls. My ultimate weight goal is 170 pounds, a 200 pound loss from my current size.  In other words, I plan to lose a pregnant woman or 14 bowling balls or 8 baby llamas...or $9,080,000 in $100 dollar bills!!!

Combining brutally honest accounts of my life-long struggle with my weight, along with tips that I've learned along the way, I hope that this journal is an inspiration for anyone who has dealt with the same issues.  I will share recipes, pictures, triumphs and shortcomings.

Welcome to Curds 'n' Weigh!

Until next time...
Blessed Love