Perfectly Flawed

I was always the shining star in my family, though secretly my shine had tarnished years ago. I was the first grandchild, the daughter of a too-young mother and absent father. I was discarded at birth (something that one day I'll talk about) and through God's sense of hilarity, ended up back with my mother.

I guess the expectations of me started early with my family's elation that the baby on the news was their kin; everything I did was golden. When my brother and sisters came along I became the protector and role-model, but inside secret sadness destroyed me. I had 4.0 throughout school, I played the violin for years, I spoke French, I was the editor-in-chief of my church's newsletter at 13, I started interning with Bank of America at 15, I played the violin, I went to Howard University on scholarship. I was always the smartest, the sweetest, friendliest...nobody could tell that I was the loneliest.

I started injuring myself at ten years old, a vice that consumed me for the better part of twelve years. In middle school, I developed body image issues and starting binging and purging. I'd go all day without eating, secretly not wanting to eat in front of other people. When I was all alone, I'd eat anything I could find. And then I felt guilty. I threw up trying to rid myself of the shame. This became a ritual and I started losing weight. It felt good to hear my mom compliment me, for ANYTHING let alone for how I looked, but she didn't know what I was doing.

Even though I've for years been "clean" from purging and self-injury, I guess my thought process has not changed. I notice that I'm still timid about eating in front of other people...going all day without eating and then overeating because I'm starving.

This process is helping me. For the first time I'm actually eating during the day (and I notice that if I eat when I'm hungry, not starving, I actually get full very quickly) and taking the emotion out of food. Eating because I need fuel instead of comfort.

I'm looking forward to my future! Looking forward to doing things for myself. Learning how to love myself. Learning that I'm not striving for perfection, but progress.

Until next time,

Blessed Love