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Failure to Launch

Curds 'n' Weigh: Failure to Launch

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Failure to Launch

Feeling a bit blue today.  Losing weight is 99% mental; an introvert by nature, I find that I am lost in thought far more since I started this path than I ever have been.  Pondering how I got here, the long road I have to travel to be healthy...My weight has always held me back from being the person I want to be: I LOVE dance, but have always been too fat to make my movements look like more than a gyrating bowl of jello...I am very outgoing, but often appear to be a flake because I'm worried about what others will think so I sometimes cancel at the last minute out of embarassment and fear (I especially hate seeing people who I knew years ago for fear that they'll say....DAMN look how big she got!).

I feel alone, depressed, vulnerable...suffocating inside this shell that looks nothing like the person I am inside!  This should be enough motivation to have me running four hours a day, but the harder I work, the more I look ahead at the LONG path I have ahead.  200 pounds feels like it will take a lifetime to lose, but I know that if I don't start now I will never get there.  There are so many insecurities that I keep inside and I feel like this process is bringing them all to the forefront (probably for the best so that I won't be in a thin body with a fat girl's mentality)...I suppose instead of focusing on the negative, I should ponder and attract to myself the positive. 

My life will be completely changed when I lose weight:

1.  I'll be able to fit in stadium seats without feeling stuffed in!
2.  I'll be able to fit into plane seats without the armrest pinching into my thighs (or needing a seatbelt extender)
3.  I won't be afraid to go anywhere or do anything
4.  I'll be able to buy what I like because it's cute, not because it fits!!!
5.  I'll be able to dance freely without being self-conscious about what I look like to others.  (I will also be taking dance lessons to learn contemporary dance once I lose weight)
6.  I will be much more active...I want to compete in a cycling race and join a softball team.
7.  I'll be more self confident and not just pretending to be confident for the benefit of others
8.  Hopefully I won't shed as many tears or feel so alone...unless you've been this size, it's hard to understand even a fraction of the daily struggle.  Once I lose weight, it will be my mission to show others that they, too, can be free!
9.  I will be able to have children...actually, this should be the first item on the list!  I have always wanted to be a mother, but refused to have a child at this size...not only is it probably impossible...it's extremely dangerous for both mother and baby...I need to lose weight so that I can be the wonderful mother that I know I will be.
10.  "I wish I could" will be removed from my vocabulary!!!  Once I lose weight, there is nothing that will be able to hold me back from living the life that I want to live.

My thirties MUST be better than my childhood and my twenties...my weight has been the reason why I can't do things my entire life...I REFUSE to be that person for another decade in my life!

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2 Comments:

At July 1, 2012 at 5:26 PM , Blogger Jen said...

I love your list - and so many of those things are things that I always wanted but never really voiced to myself or anyone else. The first time I sat in an airplane seat and didn't need a seat belt extender was amazing and the first time I sat in an airplane seat and was able to put the tray table down literally made me cry! I'm gotten rid of 186 pounds and I know my life is completely different but I still struggle with fat girl mentality. I don't know when that really goes away but I admire your desire to deal with it now. :)

 
At July 1, 2012 at 5:38 PM , Blogger B. Amour Love said...

Congrats on your 186 pounds of hard work and dedication!!! I think I will also cry once I'm able to lower the tray table! I normally just say I'm not thirsty or don't want anything so that I don't have to explain why I don't want to pull it down. Sigh...thank you so much for reading my blog. Your support means the world to me!

 

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