Top 5 Reasons I HATE Being Fat

(Photo Copyright 2005 Mike Rozman/Warner Bros. Television)

This was a very busy weekend, filled with several reminders of why I absolutely abhor being tubby; unlike Tyra Banks, I can't simply take off the makeup and fat suit!  I am more motivated than ever to reach my goals--to be rid of this fat girl both physically and mentally--to fearlessly pursue my happiness. 

I'm sure my list of reasons I hate being fat could fill an encyclopedia...or at the least, could wrap around my waist twice!  For the sake of sanity, I'll just stick with the top five.

1.  I HATE shopping at fat girl stores.  I was invited to a party for my boss' husband this weekend, so I went shopping for a new outfit.  I walked into Lane Bryant and it looked like a box of crayons had exploded on the sales floor.  I am thoroughly convinced that the person who designs for plus-size stores is either color blind and/or has a secret mission to make all fat women look like a King-Size bag of Skittles!  On top of mostly everything being horribly ugly, the few cute pieces that I found were ridiculously priced!  Now, I'm not disillusioned...I realize that it takes a lot more fabric to fit over my derriere, but I could have sewn together four skinny dresses from Kohls and spent less than the cost of a shirt at Lane Bryant!  In some cultures and religions, being fat is a sign of prosperity...but just because I have extra love curves does not mean that my wallet weighs as much as I do!  When I'm thin, I'm going to buy $3 dresses even if they're not cute...just because I can!

2.  My butt eats bike seats.  I went bike shopping on Friday evening, which was incredibly fun!  I felt like a kid again riding through the parking lot at full speed...until I sat down and felt excruciating pain on my tail bone.  Bike seats were not made for big butts...I'm sure none of Sir Mix-A-Lot's girls rode them!  Thankfully, the bike I chose has a plush seat so it's a little more comfortable, but I will have to build up some serious booty muscles to help ease the pain (and associated numbness) that comes with riding with too much junk in the trunk!  I was supposed to wait a week to pick it up because I had some custom front brakes added, but I am so anxious to start riding, I called and told them I'd pick it up tonight and bring it back when the brakes come in.  I'll be sure to post a picture of it tonight.  When I'm thin, I'm sure my butt will still hurt on bike seats, but at least it will look cuter doing it.

3.  I'm sick and tired of my thighs rubbing together.  This probably needs to be the first item actually!  I hate buying new pants and within an hour of me walking in them, I have a lovely nest of lint balls between my legs from my thighs rubbing together.  I can't sneak up on anyone...you can hear me coming like crickets trapped in a paper bag.  I stopped wearing pantyhose a long time ago (and nylon pants) to avoid spontaneous combustion from the friction.  When I'm thin, each leg (and corresponding thigh) will stay on its own side of my body and the two shall only meet when I choose to introduce them!

4.  I don't like baby powder in the summer.  We fat girls sure go through a lot to maintain our sexy (though this post has definitely knocked mine down SEVERAL notches, I'm sure).  Some people look sexy and hard working when they sweat...not fat people.  We look like a slow-roasted pig on the rotisserie...greasy, crackling, burnt!  To calm our overactive sweat glands, chubby girls often use baby powder.  I absolutely hate baby powder, but my options are limited: either flour myself like southern fried chicken or be a hot, sweaty, chafing mess!  I choose the former.  There is a fine art to baby powdering a fat girl...you have to make sure to get every square inch that might possibly sweat...especially in between each fat roll, under the belly fat, in the small (or LARGE) of the back, under boobies.  I find nothing attractive about being a large, grown woman smelling like a freshly-changed baby!  When I'm thin, I will have sexy sweat.

5.  Being self-conscious about eating in front of strangers.  This may be owed in part to my poor relationship with food and history of eating disorders, but I find that eating in front of others is one of the most humiliating things ever (second only to dancing in a studio filled with skinny people and mirrors).  Most often, I leave the table still hungry after nibbling only a few bites and claiming that I'm stuffed.  I try to match bite speed so that I don't seem like I'm gobbling my food (though I find that many thin girls actually eat a LOT).  Of course they can't possibly believe that I really eat like a bird...maybe Big Bird!  When I'm thin, everyone will be in awe (instead of disgust) at how much I can eat.

What do YOU hate about being fat???