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Secrets

Curds 'n' Weigh: Secrets

Friday, June 29, 2012

Secrets

I have to tell you a secret.  But first, promise never to repeat it; you see this pen cuts deep and as I speak it my heart's bleeding.  Tried to pretend like it didn't happen, because if I don't remember it can't hurt me.  If I don't remember, I was just depressed.  If I don't remember, I was just sexual...even though...I don't know...what sex...is!  I was just six and yes I'm still pissed about that ish!  Why wasn't it my decision to give it up, when and who I wanted to give it up with!  And the sickness is sometimes I wonder if you still remember my name.  Because Lord knows yours is imprinted on my right brain.  This pain nearly drove me insane!  For years hating God's creation because you said it was just a game.  Told your brothers to go away as we sat in the stairwell.  Made me swear not to tell as you laid your  hand on my leg, played out scenes from shows too grown for me.  I should have begged you to stop when you always wanted to be alone with me.  When you laid me on your bed, STOP!  When you mother walked in, but you didn't STOP!  When your uncle was heavy on top of me, STOP!  Did I not because I wanted it?  I thought we were friends, back then when I believed in friends.  Stolen innocence with no recompense for lost time.  Dying inside, trying to hide a secret that never should have been mine.

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4 Comments:

At July 3, 2012 at 6:47 AM , Blogger Andi Prusi said...

My heart is breaking for you. I think you are incredibly strong and brave for sharing your story. You have made a courageous decision - putting it all out there to get healthy. You can do this. I won't let you fail. We may have never met, but I have read your blog entries, and I want you to know that I really do care about you. I want you to be happy and proud and live the life of joy that you deserve. I am here for you.

 
At July 3, 2012 at 9:06 AM , Blogger B. Amour Love said...

Andi...thank you for taking time to read my blog and comment. Your support leaves me humbled. I am learning that only with relentless honesty and truth will I find freedom from my life-long battle with my weight. Only through uprooting toxic weeds that brought me to this place will I really be able to bloom. When I first set out to lose weight, I never imagined that there would be so many mental pounds to shed, but I whole-heartedly believe that at the end of this process I will find the person I want to be. Thank you again for your support!

 
At July 10, 2012 at 2:24 PM , Blogger Andi Prusi said...

I applaud you for being so brave and open. It is not an easy thing to do. You will definitely be healthier, physically and mentally. I promise to be here when you need me.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 3:10 PM , Blogger B. Amour Love said...

Andi...I really appreciate your support and you extending yourself. It's easy to find people who are there during the good times, not so easy to find people who are willing to go through the trenches with you. Thank you for your kindness!

 

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