My Food Therapist

This evening I attended a dinner party for a hotel chain with whom my company has done business.  I was very nervous about going since I was feeling kind of blah today.  I had a rough day at work and thinking of the dinner automatically made me anxious: how do I stick to my plans without appearing "awkward" or turning down everything...how do I trust myself not to make bad decisions since I'm feeling emotional (especially since it's at one of my favorite restaurants!).  I had every intention of not going to the party, but my coworker wanted to go so, despite my reservations, I went along.

I am EXTREMELY proud of myself!!!  I had one drink (I'm not going to turn down a free drink!) and a few small tapas, but with 550 calories that I had left for dinner and already having met most of my nutrients for the day I am fairly confident that I stayed within my allowance.  I had a mango and some almonds before I arrived and drank about 4 glasses of water while there so that I would feel too full to eat or drink.  I know it's something small, but it seemed very big for me.  

I was speaking with my partner when I got home and explaining how when I'm feeling depressed, something sweet or greasy makes me feel better.  When I'm eating healthily, there is no emotion to it. I eat good foods because of the benefits that I feel in my body, not my emotions.  I eat bad foods because they make me happy...like smiling, mmm mmm mm mmm mmmmm, humming a negro spiritual while I lick my fingers happy!!!  

This will be the hardest part of this process...finding my happy without the help of Sour Patch Kids or mashed potatoes...really digging down deep and discovering what makes my soul shine.  I honestly can't say that I ever remember a time in my life being truly happy.  Food can be like a drug in that way...trick your psyche into accepting a sugar-fueled endorphin rush in place of true joy...chasing the next temporary high in the form of an ice cream sundae.  D.A.R.E. should have taught me to just say no to cheesecake!

The part of losing weight that has always scared me is the deep soul-searching, but I realize that without this necessary component, I'll never truly be free from the pounds; even if I get to my goal size, without the vital self-work, I'll simply be carrying my fat like dead weight (pun intended).  I found a place called Fat Yoga...I think that will be a good practice for me to learn so that I can find the answers that are locked deep within my cellulite.  I meet with the instructor, Anna, tomorrow... I'm so excited!  She was almost 300 pounds at her largest and says that yoga has transformed her life...I've always wanted to try yoga, but was afraid because of my size--the thought of doing a dashama scorpion pose...HA!  But Fat Yoga was developed for "extra cushioned" people with modified poses that still teach proper form and give a good workout.

Anna wanted to meet for coffee, but as part of my commitment to myself, I suggested that we meet for a walk instead.  I know that I will not lose weight overnight, but I'm certainly learning a lot about myself in the process!